(medyo mahaba. wala ring tldr sorry haha)
i grew up with my lolo and daddy, but they both died when i was too young to realise how crucial and formative it was to grow and flourish under their guidance. wala akong pics nila. i have very vivid memories of them though—
tungkol kay lolo. lumaki ako kina lolo (hindi ko kadugo, pero kasambahay kasi nila si mama for the longest time and when she had me they basically adopted & raised me as their own; lotsa love there huhu pero bawal umiyak sandale)
lolo was a fierce old man. hindi palangiti. i can count on one hand the number of people who’d get him to crack a smile. ever fewer were the ones who could make him laugh out loud. and even then, yung “out loud” na tawa nya parang “heh heh heh” lang din.
he had very high academic standards, which as a child i usually met — except for math, punyemas na math yan. sa lahat pa talaga ng subjects na pwedeng mahina ako, math pa talaga e, no?? because lolo was a civil engineer, and a dean of the college of engineering. and as if that wasn’t hard enough, he was also the topnotcher of a walang-calculator engineering board exams — kung saan pinerfect nya lang naman yung hydraulics na part ng said exams. pfft. walang kwenta kung perfect ko lahat ng exams tapos 85 ako sa math; tatawanan nya lang ako. sasabihan akong “maluya” (“mahina”). i took it in stride, though. besides, kapag recognition day, he’d still reward me with a small smile, some food money, maybe a “good job”. pero always, always making jabs at how i was best in everything except math. XD
he taught me how to read and write and speak. english mostly. we used to have this morning ritual where i’d sit with him in the sala and read his favourite poems out loud in exchange for TV time (sorry ate kung mabasa mo ini pero nagpapaaram ako ki lolo kadto para makidalan cartoons sa kwarto mo habang nasa opisina ka hahahaha). to this day kabisado ko pa rin ang she was a phantom of delight. dati kayang-kaya ko i-perform ang elegy written in a country churchyard. sa kanya ko nakilala sina tennyson, shelley, frost, whitman, wordsworth, dickinson, henley, ea poe, jh leigh hunt, atbp. sa kanya ako natuto ng grammar. fondest memory ko about learning from him was that one time he taught me the meaning of “absorb”, in their old kitchen, radio blaring out afternoon news while mama and ate and lola did their thing. (i think they were making sushi…? i remember the bamboo mat and the tube of wasabi that stayed in the fridge for years.)
lolo died when i was 10. can’t imagine how things would’ve turned out for me if i still had him during my high school years. if he was there for me in college. what he would’ve said if he’d known i was depressed. basta. dami.
tungkol kay daddy. daddy was not my dad. he was my uncle. youngest na kapatid ni mama, isa sa pinakaclose kong tiyuhin. lumaki ako sa siyudad e, tapos sila nasa barrio. so nakikita ko lang siya kapag uuwi ako sa amin sa sua. pagka-protective. si daddy ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako kumportableng maglakad sa side ng kalye kung saan parehong direksyon din ang takbo ng mga sasakyan. “nini, gumilid ka!” favourite words nya kapag nasa labas ako naglalaro. mahirap lang kami; pagpapadyak ang trabaho ni daddy noon kapag hindi sya nagsasaka. pero alalang-alala ko na meron siyang isang malaking alkansiyang gawa sa bote ng softdrinks, tapos nag-iipon sya dun ng pang-coke ko kapag umuuwi kami ni mama. favourite kong luto niya yung pansit na may sardinas. hindi ko magaya yung lasa. kasama ata dapat sa recipe yung brand ni daddy ng pag-aalaga sa pinakabunso nyang pamangkin.
kwento ni mama: the day after nya kong ipanganak, umuwi kami sa bahay namin sa sua. kumakain si daddy ng ice cream. nakita nya raw akong nakatitig dun sa apa, tapos nagtitilam-tilam. so anong ginawa ng daddy ko? binigyan nya ko ng ice cream. one day old infant. first real world food: ice cream. ito ang dahilan kung bakit kahit mahina talaga ako sa lahat ng malalamig na pagkain e hindi ako ever nagpigil mag-indulge. ice-cold coke. ice-cold beer. ice cream. ice skrambol. iced tubig. iced tea. orange juice na yelo. ayan, hikain tuloy. haha
namatay si daddy high school ako; he wasn’t even 40 yet. i remember hearing about his death while i ate breakfast. i had to go to school that day. i had no memory of the lessons i sat through that whole week. hindi ko tiningnan yung bangkay nya when we came to visit his wake. hindi rin ako sumama sa libing nya. i’m 27 years old, and daddy’s been dead for over a decade now, but when it comes to him i’m still a silly 13-year-old who refuses to acknowledge that he’s gone. in my head he’s still alive, nakatambay dun sa terminal ng mga padyak kung saan ako bababa ng jeep tuwing uuwi sa sua.
so ayun. habang iniisip ko ito last sunday, narealise ko rin pala: i didn’t have father figures growing up, but hey, i was raised by 4 incredible women. iba-iba tawag ko sa kanila, pero lahat sila mga mama ko pala talaga in their own wildly different ways.
lola & ate mel. second mums ko. si lola, asawa nung lolo ko na kinuwento ko sa taas. si ate anak nila. i remember nagreklamo si lola sa akin noon na bakit daw ate at kuya tawag ko sa mga anak nila tapos sila lolo tsaka lola. opo nga naman. bakit nga ba? pero walang point tanungin yung ashley na yun kasi nga di ba daddy tinawag ko sa uncle ko hahahalola is the household’s voice of reason. she’s the one constantly reminding us to save up, to eat at home instead, to stop buying needless stuff. first to get up in the mornings to go to church and do her morning walking exercise around st. joseph school. ballroom dancer; i remember her wednesday dance sessions. kung si lolo ang tagline kapag grades season ay “maluya”, si lola “very good”. sa lahat ng mga nakilala kong babae sa mundo, sya na ata ang epitome nung “strong independent woman”. favourite damit: duster. bestida yung palaging regalo nya sa akin when i was a kid, kaya hindi ko makakalimutan yung feeling nang niregaluhan nya ako nung pierre cardin na pen and pencil set nung hs grad ko. lola is stern too, in that lola kind of way, but at least she smiles and she has a loud laugh (hindi gaya ni lolo, lol). many of her best stories were from her world war experiences, and tales of her character brothers and sisters. si lola nagturo sa akin kung paano isulat nang maayos ang big letter E. sabi nila kamukha ko daw si lola nung maliit pa ko. syempre keme lang nila yun hahaha ganda kaya ng lola ko wala ako sa kalingkingan ng pretty nya. sharpest toddler memory: umiiyak ako at nagwawala dahil umalis si mama. lumabas kami ni lola (at lolo— i think si lolo din yung nagreklamong ako lang daw yung batang iginala nya sa kotse dahil nagtatantrums XD). binilhan nya ko ng orange & blue stripes na damit tapos isang puti ternong shorts at pantaas na may kasamang maliit na bag na may mga blue and red stars.
si ate yung palaging nagpapagkamalang nanay ko kapag kasama nya ko maggrocery. medyo masungit, haha, and kapag wala nang expression sa mukha nya i just… slowly back away. kasama ko palagi manood ng pelikula at series! siya rin nag-enable ng videoke life ko; she used to buy karaoke vcds and we’d spend most of saturday afternoons singing in her room. banker, nurse, entrepreneur, pero higit sa lahat bruno mars fangirl for a time. bakit crush ko si brad pitt? bakit ang hilig ko sa romcom? pano ko nasimulang basahin yung mga kalilibruhan sa bahay? dahil ke ate.
si ate din yung enabler ng reading life ko. halimbawa, harry potter: book 5 yung una kong nabasa kasi libre sa encyclopaedia set ni ate bii. ilang ulit kong nireread yun kasi 1) wala akong pambili ng books 1-4 and 2) wala pa noong nbs sa naga. madalang din makahanap ng kopya ng harry potter sa ibang tindahan. so anong ginawa ni ate? she borrowed the other books from her school friend, so i could read the rest of it. in high school, after winning the championship of a national competition, binigay ko kay ate yung prize money para ibili nya ko ng mga libro from manila. she bought me pride and prejudice and jonathan livingston seagull — which to this day remain my ultimate faves. (i collect p&p book covers. wala akong pake kung umiikot sa puntod nya si mark twain, basta mahal ko si austen.) so bakit ako nahilig magbasa? dahil din ke ate.
ate bii. yung dapat pinagmanahan ko ng fashion sense pero for some reason hindi tumatak sa akin yung hilig nyang manamit. enabler ng singing life ko! glee club noong college sya, so kasa-kasama nya ko kapag nagpapatugtog sya ng mga cassette tapes nya para magpractice ng songs. #1 Air Supply fangirl. as in kung tumutugtog ang air supply sa radyo habang tulog-mantika sya, sasabayan nya pa rin yung kanta. kaduet ko palagi nung natuto akong maggitara. kinomisyon nya yung mga estudyanteng kaclose nya noon na maging mga guitar tutors ko, kaya natuto akong tugtugin ang i love you goodbye.
physics nerd, pero just like with lolo, for some reason hindi ako nabiyayaan ng level of understanding nya sa physics concepts. (then again best friends pala ang p6 at math so… bleah.) ex nya ang nagturo sakin na panay tubig ang loob ng mga cactus kaya di nila kailangang diligan masyado. isa sa mga unang nanakot kay kulot nung nalaman niyang kami na.
as a kid i’d sit on the floor and comb her jet-black straight hair. she’s part of the reason why i dream of having luscious long locks. pero overprotective si ate bii sa virgin status ng buhok ko. she’d probably disown me if i ever chose to chemically straighten my curls, haha. one of my fondest memories of her as my ate-mother: waking up at 4am to make breakfast for her noong nagmamaster’s sya sa legazpi, a 2-hour bus ride away. i call her ate bii, which is short for “ate bakla”, which was a moniker derived from an afternoon watch marathon that included a kris aquino and eric quizon film. wala akong masyadong friends growing up. medyo bullied kasi ako noong elementary at weirdo ako noong high school, lmao, pero lumaki akong may best friend sa kanya.
mama ko. syempre. bestestestest ever. pagkatibay na babae. madalas mapagkamalang lalake kasi kung maglakad sisiga-siga. hindi rin nakatulong yung nagpapagupit na siya ngayon ng cuatro ata?? o tres?? ewan pero isang hatsing na lang siguro ng barbero kalbo na si mama, haha. may anger issues, kahit ayaw nyang aminin. oks lang sana kaya lang may altapresyon din sya so ako yung taga-temper ng galit kapag delikado na yung batok nya. kapag magkasama kami sa sm feeling ko napapagkamalan din siyang matandang may jowang menor de edad; clingy kasi kaming mag-ina, so minsan habang naglalakad dati nakayakap ako sa kanya tapos nakaakbay sya sakin. haha.
halo-halo connoisseur. naniniwala akong namamana ang pagkahilig sa coke dahil sa mama ko. naniniwala rin akong namamana yung “organised chaos” na way of life dahil sa mama kong gaya ko e medyo tamad mag-ayos ng gamit. masarap si mama magluto, as in — pero wait. akala nyo masaya yon? hinde. mahirap kapag magaling magluto ang nanay. maraming pagkain sa mundo ang hindi papasa sa standards nya, kaya ang hirap ilibre sa mga restaurant. nag-yabu kami nyan two years ago tapos ang pinansin nya lang sa lahat ng kinain nya yung kanin daw. yung kanin daw, ang sarap. nahiya yung katsu at curry.
single mother na jusko walang kasing tatag. hindi ko maimagine kung papaano nya kinaya yung mangilan-ngilang school christmas parties ko noon na ang wish ko kay santa claus ay “si papa”. walang naging pagkukulang ang mama ko at all, and homaygas ilang ulit kong kinailangang pagnilayan yung fact na yon kasi nyemas how did she do it di ba, kaloka. tapos nagkadepression pa ko — minsan dati ramdam ko na medyo nalilito sya, na feeling nya may ginawa siyang mali kaya ako sumemplang sa life. di ko alam pano sabihin na kung wala sya yung semplang ko diretso diskaril na.
hate ni mama ang dilaw. hahaha. as in kahit anong bagay pa yan basta naghuhumiyaw na yellow magagalit sya at magrereklamo nang tiba-tiba. sabi nya masakit daw sa mata. hindi siya anti-dilawan, anti-dilaw lang talaga. wala rin siyang fashion sense. maong na pantalon o kaya shorts, tapos puting t-shirt. kaya syempre, namana ko rin. tinatry nyang bilhan ako ng mga girly-girly na damit pero wala e haha sorry mama. magbebestida ako freely kapag nagbebestida ka na rin — meaning never!
bilib ako sa mama ko in so many ways pero ito na ata yung pinakahardcore na ginawa nya raising me: hindi nya ever binadmouth si papa. i remember being 3, 4, 5 years old, asking about why she and papa weren’t together, and not a single word against his character was spoken. palagi lang sinasabi sa akin ni mama noon, “maiintindihan mo paglaki mo”. laking pasasalamat ko na sa murang edad e pinagkatiwalaan nya agad ako nung katotohanan about their story. 100000000 pasasalamat points din kasi tama sya. noong lumaki ako, naintindihan ko nga.
so ayun. kung nakaabot ka dito sa pinakadulo, congrats at salamat sa oras mo. haha. wala lang. trip ko lang i-flex mga nanay ko after kong alalahanin yung mga naging tatay ko. miss ko na sila e, dalawang taon na rin akong hindi nakakauwi. yun lang. gudnayt. mag-ingat kayo palagi! may covid pa so bawasan muna gala. kape muna tayo habang nagrerecharge. bukas naman ulit. (ay pero itong essay na to di na to mangyayari ever, susme.)